Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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