Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
