Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize