I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
