Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
