I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize