Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
