she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
