i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
