We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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