on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
