theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
