i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
