I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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