I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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