An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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