A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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