I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
