So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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