Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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