I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
