I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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