I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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