A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
