I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
