i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize