Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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