The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
