Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
