Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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