Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize