He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
