two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
