had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
