so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my being single is dangerous.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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