I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
