I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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