I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Randomize
