I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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