she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
