I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
