We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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