I'm so fucking centered right now
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
