i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
