I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
