Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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