does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He better not be in your backpack
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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