i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
