You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize