Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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