Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
