Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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