I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Even the bartender felt bad for me
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
