I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i think my cat just said my name.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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