Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So many bounce houses so little time
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
