I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
it's like heaven, but drunker
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
