scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
