I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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