You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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