so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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