I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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