Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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