I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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