Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
