He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize