don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
