You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
