I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize