home. puking in laundry basket.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
